Five years ago, I found myself heading back up to Massachusetts after visiting with friends in Pennsylvania.  I pretty much zoned out through the entire state of Connecticut while listening to The Smiths, looking at the leaves changing colours, and considering how to purge an old flame from my life.  I guess that conversation with myself didn't really take root because just a few weeks ago, I found myself heading back up to MA from PA... listening to The Smiths... watching the leaves change into the brilliant colours of autumn... and considering how to purge that same old flame from my life.  Funny how things come full circle.  Not so funny when you find that you are stuck in an unhealthy cycle.

We've all had old lovers who have come back into our lives.  Often, this happens because it is easier to reunite with someone who is already familiar with you, your likes and dislikes, your boundaries, and your value system.  Not to mention the idea it's not adding to your "number" if you've already been together, right??  Although I understood this, there seemed to be something missing from my logic--a bit of the puzzle I couldn't quite see or else I wouldn't be in that "Groundhog Day" relationship scenario.

Not wanting to delve back into issues I had been wrestling with over the many years of knowing my old partner, I decided to switch off the music and listen to a couple of Buddhist podcasts I had downloaded before leaving Phoenix.  Strangely enough, one of those podcasts had to deal with the Buddhist view of sex.

In the very beginning of this podcast, it almost sounded like the Buddhist view on sex, and interpersonal relationships in general, would be along the same vein as the Christian stance.  Having grown up in a staunchly Catholic household, I've heard that argument quite a few times...and had pretty much completely thrown it out the window in favour of the idea that "An it harm none--without the use of a pre-approved safe word-- an is done between consenting adults, do what thou wilt".  However, as I continued to listen, I found that the Pagan community at large would do well to add a little of the Buddhist philosophy to the "all acts of pleasure are considered worship" stance.

The main jest of the Buddhist podcast was that you should always aim to make the other person in your relationship feel safe.  When one considers that 1 in 6 women--and 1 in 33 men--will be sexually assaulted in their lifetimes, this is more important than many people realise.  Maintaining a "safe" relationship not only includes being open and honest.  It also includes acting and communicating with compassion.  If you are not acting in a manner that offers a safe place for your partner, if you are not communicating with your partner/friend/coworker/etc in a compassionate manner, you are liable to make that 1 in 6/33 feel victimized all over again.  (And if that didn't make you feel like a total d*^khead, then you probably have no business in a real adult relationship anyway.)

I think this is why I kept being drawn back to my old lover.  While things (repeatedly) had not panned out for us, we always had a compassionate and respectful relationship.  It was a true safe haven for the both of us.  I didn't quite understand why we would come back around to one another until I heard that Buddhist lay minister speak over that podcast.  It was just easier to go back to an old lover than try to nurture that same compassion and respect in a new relationship.  What if the new partner was really a wolf in disguise??  What if I ended up being the wolf??

So, going forward, I fully intend on trying to inact these principles more fully into all of my relationships--platonic and otherwise.  Don't get me wrong... I'm a big fan of "adult playtime".  I wouldn't suggest only becoming lovers once you are absolutely head over heels in love and married (etc, etc) to your perspective partner.  Were that to be the case, I'd be a very, very frustrated little pagan.  I'm only suggesting that if all acts of pleasure be worship, then we should make that worship count.  Make it honest and compassionate and safe.  If we all try to act with more compassion, if we all try to make the world safe for someone else, then, in turn, the world becomes a safer place for us.

Pánta eteléutêsan

*~Delphy~*